Fifteen Days Later...

I can't believe it has already been over two weeks since The Day.  That is pretty much how I've been measuring my time: Before The Day and After The Day.  Sometimes it is hard to remember what I did or what I talked about before I was pregnant with Gideon.  I'm starting to feel normal though.  Slowly but surely.  I cycle through different emotions all day.  Mainly I'm ok, my family and normal life keep me busy.  It's not so hard to be alone anymore.  Last week I couldn't be alone or quiet for too long or I would start to dwell in the sadness and the grief.  Sometimes it just overtakes me like a flood.  I grieve for my son, the life he could have had.  I grieve that I never got to meet him, or hold him, or comfort him.  I never got to see him learn to walk or smile.  These things are what plague me.  I miss the son I would have raised.

Yesterday, exactly two weeks after The Day, we went and looked at headstones.  We chose a sweet image of Jesus holding a baby.  It will also have his name, his birth date and the Judges 6:12 verse on the back.  I think it will be a perfect monument that shows our forever love for our son, no matter that we got so little time with him.

I also had an appointment with my OB/GYN yesterday.  We talked a little about what happened with Gideon's umbilical cord.  She said it looked to her like it formed wrong, rather than it being an accident from his movement, but we can never know 100% for sure.  I can't decide if that makes me feel better or worse about it, to be honest.  I try not to dwell on his cause of death.  But she did reassure me over and over how rare cord stricture is, and that I should go on to have a normal pregnancy.  We are doing the miscarriage blood panel, which checks for genetic anomalies in my blood, blood clotting disorders, etc.  I think it will comfort me to have the blood work done.  Although I've had one normal pregnancy seven years ago, I would like to just check and make sure that I'm ok to be pregnant.  She gave us the green light to start trying to get pregnant again, and prescribed Metformin for me to take, which is how I got pregnant with Gideon in the first place.  I will be considered high risk in any future pregnancies, but she explained that that is just because of bad history, not because my body can not handle pregnancy.  It mainly means extra monitoring for peace of mind, especially between 15-22 weeks. She said she'd do a quick ultrasound at every appointment, and if I was feeling nervous at any time, I could come in for a quick heartbeat check. I just love  my OB.  I'm so glad she gets it, and cares.  God blessed her with a level of empathy that some other doctors can lose over time.

I am still not completely sure how I feel about moving forward and getting pregnant again.  I will never "actively" try to get pregnant again.  I don't want to ever stress about it and just let it happen if it's meant to be.  I'm trying to trust God in His perfect timing, and His perfect plan.  Sometimes I go through phases of anger with Him, or bargaining with Him.  Like I will say to Him, "if you just let me get pregnant again quickly and have a healthy baby, then I will trust You again.  I will trust that You hear me and care."  I will rage at Him for taking Gideon so soon.  I will rage that He can't help me understand why.  Sometimes prayer seemed...pointless.  Like why talk to Him, if He is just going to ignore me anyway?  I prayed continuously during my pregnancy with Gideon for a healthy baby, and look what happened.  He allowed Gideon to die.

But, ultimately, these are angry flashes in the pan and die out quickly.  I am reminded over and over of God's sweetness.  His goodness.  His faithfulness.  I am humbled over and over and come to Him in prayers of thanksgiving, of sorrow over my bad attitude.  I trust Him, I trust that He is making all things work together for my good.  I trust that He sees my tears and wants to take them all from me, and grieves for my broken heart.  I believe He is sad that He can't reveal the whole big picture to me now, but that I will understand someday when I am reunited with Him and with everyone I have lost.  His love drowns my doubts and I fall more and more in love with Him every single moment.  He has given so much out of His love for me.  He forgives me continuously.  I will not live a life of sadness and fear, but of joy and trust that He sees me, hears me and loves me.  And for that, I am so incredibly thankful.

"Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him."

-1 Chronicles 16:11