I'm starting to think God works on me through my womb. I know, that sounds weird. But, the reason why I started going to church was because I was grieving my infertility and needed the "rituals". I thought it would be comforting. Ha. That was the beginning of God working on my heart, and it didn't take long before I realized what I had been craving and missing the whole time was a relationship with Him. I was in the shower when I prayed the sinner's prayer and surrendered my life to God. Strange place, but it happened and my life has never been the same since. God took my sadness over not being able to get pregnant and turned it into something beautiful: a relationship with Him, a new church family and eventually, led us to our beautiful daughter through adoption. After she was home and ours, and I had enough energy to reflect, I praised Him for the infertility. If I had gotten pregnant easily, who knows how much longer I would have resisted Him. I would rely on my self-sufficiency even longer.
But, I did not praise Him through the Dark Time. Instead, I cried out, begging for healing, begging for fertility, begging Him to hear me and take pity on me. I went to a place where I thought if I was good enough, served enough, changed my life enough that He would answer my prayer and allow me to become pregnant against the odds. This is what has been referred to as the Gospel of Sin Management. Thankfully, I go to a church led by a staff of pastors who work really hard to teach their members about going past being a "lukewarm Christian" or an "ala carte Christian" and being a true follower of Jesus. Because of the things I was learning through them, I started to realize that my behavior would never be good enough, and that I need to abandon all hope of ever earning favor. We can never earn our way into Heaven. Instead, I had to trust and rely on Christ, and that He had a beautiful, divine plan for my family and me, and to follow Him through it.
Today, in my new Dark Place, I am so, so grateful for the foundation that has been laid for me. I keep thinking about Luke 6:47-49, "As for everyone who comes to me and hears my words and puts them into practice, I will show you what they are like. They are like a man building a house, who dug down deep and laid the foundation on rock. When a flood came, the torrent struck that house but could not shake it, because it was well built. But the one who hears my words and does not put them into practice is like a man who built a house on the ground without a foundation. The moment the torrent struck that house, it collapsed and its destruction was complete.” And also, the lyrics from Casting Crowns, "And even though my heart is torn, I will praise You in this storm." I am shaken, but I will not fall down. The storm is scary, but I will not fear.
It is laughable to me, sometimes, that I thought once I turned my life and the control over it to Christ, that it would be easy. It is easier, in some ways, in that I don't have to rely on my own strength anymore. I can lean on Him. But, God never called us to be comfortable. He never promised that following Him through everything would be sweet and easy and peaceful. Jesus told us there would be trouble. Living on earth and being a human is hard sometimes. There are Light Times and Dark Times. And no, I am definitely not comfortable right now. My heart aches, my confusion can drown me sometimes, my frustration overwhelms and takes over. As a believer, I rejoice that my son is in Heaven and never had to experience this world. As a mother, I mourn my flat belly, my empty womb, the loss of the life I would have had with Gideon.
When we conceived naturally after three years of infertility, I was in shock. I felt like I had it figured out, that God had given me two beautiful children, one biological and one adopted, and that was the end of His plans for the number of children I would raise. I never expected Him to put me into a place where I became part of the Tribe of Women Who Lost Their Babies. I never expected that I would so soon be back in the Dark Place After Death, and that I would have to learn to praise Him from here. Because this place between heartbreak and healing seems cavernous sometimes, and the darkness can overwhelm me. But, once again He is working on me through my womb. His light is shining in on me and revealing things to me. For instance, this blog that reminds me that I can praise and serve Him from wherever I am in my life, even the place where I have doubts, where my heart is hurting and there is darkness. And song lyrics from All Sons & Daughters that remind me that God takes our brokenness, our ugliness and makes it beautiful and delightful to Him. I want to tell everyone I see: YES, it is possible to feel hurt and disappointed and still LOVE GOD. And trust Him. And believe that He is good.
I will never be perfect, far from it actually. I am a sinner. This earth is broken and crying out for Him, and I join in. I cry out to Him, these broken hallelujahs. Because I love Him. I love Him, even in my Dark Time. I trust Him. I desire Him. I want to spread His good news: that God has overcome this crazy world, and that the One that created the heavens and the heavens' heavens, the God of Abraham and David and the One that holds the whole earth in His hands...He sees us, He loves us and He sent his only son to die to save us. Yes, my son is dead. Yes, God saw it coming. Could He have stopped it? Of course. But do I want Him to change His plan for my life because I am grieving? ...Sometimes. But, I trust Scripture when it tells me that God is working all things (even the crappy things) for MY GOOD. And I will spread His light even from my Dark Place.
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